We have an expression at work – when we are intentional with our actions, come prepared and do what we say, we get credit for ‘showing up.’ I love that as a metaphor for accountability and I want to flip the external-facing meaning and ask, “are you accountable to yourself?”
I was not accountable to Peter and his mental health for over 20 years. Yes, I know that my example is extreme but the theory is still the same. I did many things right to ‘show up’ in my life – as an employee, husband, son, sibling, father and a friend. Was I perfect? Of course not – that’s not what I’m saying.
Because of my self-loathing and shameful secret of being gay, I didn’t show up for Peter, I didn’t give him the love and support he needed. I rejected his true nature and did my best to pretend he didn’t exist. This might just be the ultimate lesson of my story. There was a part of me that brought me tremendous joy and because I was afraid, that joy never saw the light of day. I made that decision to be less happy. Please don’t do what I did, don’t be the person that I used to be.
Hindsight has perfect vision and my now priorities are simple, easy and fulfilling. I am a proud gay man and have a husband, I have friends, family and co-workers that love and support all of me. I haven’t created an existence where I’m pretending to be someone different. That is my world – it’s full of love, support, laughter, good times, goofiness and adorable memories. This life didn’t happen overnight – first I had to overcome my fear, then slowly reinvent myself through therapy and friend support, then become the kind of person who can give and receive love.
I am accountable to loving myself, my husband, my family and friends. When you are settled in your identity and not running away from what’s inside of you, it’s a lot easier to show up for yourself and others. 😊
Peter Leahy
A self-proclaimed “ideas guy,” I’ve worked in marketing for over twenty-five years. After years of sadness, emptiness and self-loathing, I finally came out of the closet in 2013 and reinvented myself. Now happily married to my husband for over two years, we live in California with our Chihuahua Felicia, the queen of our household.
